Change can mean a lot of things for people. It can mean a new house, a different job, a healthier lifestyle, a relationship beginning or ending or the $2.30 you get back from the cashier for the fourth coffee you’ve had today.
Okay the last one was a bit trivial but still, how do you actually make that move, towards the things that you want that make tomorrow not just another today.
I want to change so badly but I just keep doing the same thing I did yesterday. I have so many lists of all the things I want out of life but I always go to bed thinking ‘Okay, tomorrow I’ll start”.
I want to write more, watch TV less, cook new meals, quit smoking, cut out caffeine be productive just to name a few.
But as I sit here writing for the first time in weeks with the TV on in the back ground eating salt and vinegar chips with a smoke in the ashtray and a coffee next to me I feel comfortable. Maybe that’s it, I don’t want to change because it means doing something different and that scares me.
I hate fear almost as much as I hate guilt, such useless emotions really. Effectively they are like the invisible barrier that holds you back from doing what you want or saying how you feel. I know they are necessary they define your limits, they are the little voices that tell you stealing is wrong and hurting other people is not a nice thing to do. But when you are overwhelmed with these feelings its crippling.
I fear leaving the house most days but then I feel guilty for letting people down when I don’t show up. It’s a constant battle in my mind and no matter which way I go one of them comes in to remind me of what I could’ve done or should’ve said.
I know logically it’s pointless to beat myself up, but I can’t help what a lifetime of anxiety has taught me.
The older I get the harder it is to change, so I’ll take my $2.30 and drink my coffee on my own and think about what could’ve been, maybe next time I’ll get decaf.
lifeisalark 